"Larry Crowne"

Tonight I had the opportunity to see "Larry Crowne"...a theater full of primarily members of an older generation, and then my little sister and I...at first it made me question my taste in movies but then the movie started and I fell in love.  The story circles around the failures of daily life and then the always present upswing and revival into hope and self-development.  This story should be seen by all of my students...life has changed people! The lives of our parents are gone...it is not a society of choosing hope, choosing hard work, choosing God and His will for your life, over that of what the 'World' tells you in the correct path.

I love my job, I love my mediocre salary and my budgeting...I love relying on my faith in God to get me from one end of the month to the other and most of all - I love that God has taught me that when you are given things in a different manor than you, or I, anticipated...such as being the unmarried friend, the low income worker, the failed marriage, or the missionary in the middle of Brazil...I have the ability and knowledge to rise to the challenge...to make a difference...to be a positive impact on those around me.

In the coming weeks I hope to obtain a second job, to start my masters classes, embark on another school year, lead a bible study at my church and still maintain the close family/friend relationships...if you could look at my schedule it would seem impossible, however it was by watching Larry Crown that I realized it is possible. God would not have put such a work load on my heart without it...I also had the opportunity to sit down with a friend this week to catch up and she said something profound that really hit home.  God has blessed me with being the unmarried friend, the low income worker, the "live by myself" person, the driven/over organized teacher, and the can't say "No" to favors friend for THIS TIME in  my life...He and I will accomplish many things, most of which I will never understand, because of all the aforementioned blessings.

Happy Saturday...go see Larry Crowne ...let yourself become consumed by the film...and let God be the driver of your car!

Life moves forward...

Wow...trip was great, friends were great, family I got to spend time with in the process was great!  Now that I am back, it is time to face the reality of life...Summer is here again and it is a quiet little town that I live...thoughts start to creep!  Recently started a really good read, "Mastering the Silence"...discussing what it takes to be confident in your own silence and in your alone time.  It is becoming a new process to ward off any lonely thoughts or any feelings of doubt in my future relationships by reminding myself that I am NOT alone...God is with me always...it is when I feel alone that I am letting the Devil take control of my life...AHHH Shame on me...

Consider the scripture...2 Timothy 4:17 draws an image of God being in our presence always...whether we look to find Him or not!!  Further reading will direct you towards Psalm 37:7...allow me to quote it for you...

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. 

Magical indeed to consider where my weaknesses are find comfort in such simple words...I long so bad to make a difference for Him...to tell everyone I know of Him...to feel a part of something and what really holds me back is my inability to let Him lead me.  I turn into this girl at the start of a relationship who wants so badly to take the first step, rather than be patient and just allow time to come around and to be pursued!  Christ wants me to wait patiently for Him to moves things in my life...SLOW DOWN...be confident...Have faith...

Song of the trip...thought I would share!

Moving...

So today I am motivated...feel as if I can touch the sky and then some...but I am humbled by the reality that just a couple days ago I had no idea where I was headed in life.  But this is how God works right...He gives me days like today and tomorrow for the gentle reminder that my toiling is working but gives me the Monday and Tuesdays to remind me to remain dependent on Him!

Meeting at work...

Today I sat through a meeting in which the superintendent of the school I work at (essentially my boss) literally got up and had a pitty party for her...I quote "Stop talking while I am talking, I have earned the right the speak".  NO...you are wrong...for the past 9 months I have been in my classroom, up and down hallways, at football, basketball, and softball games, school dances, movies in the gym and, oh yea, interacting with students...YOU HAVE NOT, rather you have locked yourself in your office, you have made decisions that make you look good but make my job harder.  My favorite quote from the meeting was that she wants to put students first...well evidently that is first after your pay check, my reputation, and my sleep and good morals. Let me make it clear, I do as I am told; wear dress pants and heals daily, mind my p's & q's, spend hours lesson planning for 52 minutes of madness, read silly books because they are required, and sit quietly in meetings because the wrong words would mean my job but tonight I am frustrated with the system!


Let me tell you something to start addressing in our classrooms, the fact that our education system in America is broken, because we don't have our priorities in order - unions, power and indoctrination are put first - hard-working students, teachers and parents an afterthought.  I just want the people to understand...we need moral teachers, we need to hire those who love others around them, are not self seeking but God seeking...WE NEED TO STOP LOOKING AT EDUCATION AS A PROBLEM BUT A SOLUTION...

...more thoughts to follow later!

What today will bring...

Another new church today...another new group of people...another set of questions to conquer...scary but exciting.  What makes times like this most difficult is the simple fact that I will sit alone physically at church and get the inevitably hard question to answer what brings you here or are you looking for a singles small group.  What brings me here? The Truth...I am looking for a church with truth, with love and grace and scripture and honest Jesus loving people...Am I looking for a small group...ha ha well since I live a half hour away from church it becomes somewhat difficult to always just pack up and go to a small group during then week for numerous reasons, do you really want me to go through that....

Questions that churches should be asking...do you want to come to lunch, could you come over for dinner, my family is going to a chiefs game - you want to join?  Living through this period of my life has brought new perspective...I am looking for friendship again, I am looking for connections, I am looking for the idea of family, someone to pick up the phone and want to call me...(don't get all poor Rachel on me now, I really just want to say it and then move on)...I crave someone wanting to pick up the phone and want to call me! 

And while I am sending this out into the abyss - still questions I would like to consider, to ponder and to offer to whatever church I become active in...

To to conclude today's random ideas of my mind I am trying out yet another church, sitting alone in the pew, enjoying the sermon but desiring someone to discuss with later, which brings me to the purpose of this blog…

…a place to vent, discuss, confess, and generally have an open ended discussion with the abyss…

Sure, it would be considered a prayer of sorts, however feel free to comment, suggest, or just read for understanding…but promise me this, as you read…be encouraged…remind yourself that indeed God did create a perfect plan for everyone, in His time and be calmed in the grace that He provided for us through His son Jesus Christ, who died so that we may live free from the pains of this world…just sit and contemplate the reality of this for while…

Forgiveness...

Forgiveness is something you have to allocate to yourself as much as, if not more than, to others around you!  When decisions are made in God's guidance you have accept the reality...leave the burden...trust that wounds will heal and paths will become covered with flowers not weeds. 

Today I am trying to find peace and comfort in
   Psalm 30:2 – O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. (KJV)
   Mark 11:24 – Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. (KJV)

I want to feel better...I want to have the confidence to walk alone without thinking about it!!  I WANT TO KNOW THAT I DID NOTHING WRONG!!

When the pain fades...

The Golden Rule...an all-encompassing Biblical principle...

Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” 

Recognizable no doubt...this is something that should be applied to all relationships!!  Think of the beauty of this simple idea...what a revolution and a healthy experience for all.

God puts people in your path to push, encourage, strength, and even hurt you (not for the purpose of long pain, but for the purpose of drawing closer to Him).  The past three Sunday sermons I have experienced in same way discuss the importance of relationship and the importance of a continued relationship with God.  HOW FITTING!!!  Is it possible that I was indeed put in this relationship and then pulled out again simply because God was calling me home?  

As I leave my recent experiences...a few parting encouragements/suggestions/guidance in the process of breaking up in a love and Christ centered mentality.  Remember I broke up with someone I still had feelings for but knew God was calling me in  different direction. 

1. Seek a friend of the same gender (or a mature Christian couple) - seek a wider perspective/consideration of the outlook of your relationship. Things to consider: are you repeating past cycles or are your thoughts and feelings valid? 

2. Pray. Best friend through this process is God - He wants to help ease the pain, help prepare the way for a new path in your life...wherever He may direct you.  Also, be in prayer for the other person, ask God to prepare a soft cushion/circle of support to find comfort and support. 

3. No laundry list.  If your heart, your prayers are leading you to end the relationship, be in prayer that that is enough, do not create lists of reason, instead open the conversation with Love and compassion.

4. Pray for them AFTER you leave and for the next week or so as God leads you. 


And as I look to the future...I must be prepared for whatever God has in store. I have confidence that this desire to be married and have children is God working through me but it is important that in that situation I need to be patient and not be in constant anticipation of this, enjoy the friends for awhile...God works in wonderful ways...

          Remember...
1. As you approach a new relationship, keep fantasy in check and seek reality. It is thrilling to find someone paying attention to you and wants to spend time with you. However the initial stages of “connecting” is a dance where everyone is on their best behavior. Do not contribute to the fantasy as you enjoy getting to know other Christian singles through Christian dating relationships.

2. Christian singles engaged in Christian dating should set aside times each week to discuss how the relationship is being seen from each of their perspectives. This will cause Christian singles to pay attention to realities and not venture off alone into a world of fantasy.
 

My heart hurts...

How do you know when you have done the right thing?  My heart aches...fear has set in...but my mind, my prayers and support team and my conversations with God keep telling me I have taken the right path.

Tonight I am trying to find comfort in Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ.  I know that you will be reading this, trying to find comfort too...but I am not sure there is any at this point...except to cling to God and to keep remembering the promises God has for us and assure yourself that indeed this decision was found in Him.

At the end of the day...as I try to relax and try to be strong, I can't.  I lost a friend, I lost a colleague, I have lost someone I do love...

God doesn't promise us a life of no pain...but he does promise us a life of love and it is out of love that I sit alone tonight...trying to find comfort in His silence and in His path...

Cheesy and very 7th grade I know...but still...well said Carrie Underwood's "Starts with Goodbye" (don't watch the videos on youtube they are dumb...

But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
 

 I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Another week...

What made me think I could do this alone?  It isn't the hard decisions, go to grad school or not? stay at my job or not? that seem to be the problem, but rather the choices life makes for me, family leaving, Sunday night, deciding to stop eating when you just want to continue.  I stumble with the small decisions, decisions we take for granted or decisions that should be natural. 


I am blessed - a great family, a wonderful boyfriend (eeek), Christian support around every corner, the ability to operate and think on my own accord...but what I will work on this week and what I will decide to focus on with my relationship with God is how to make small decisions/choices easier by just depending on HIM....

Tenth Avenue North - You Are More

Have you ever been alone with God?

Today, I am inspired by Oswald Chambers..."My Utmost for His Highest"...tell you what kids...this guy has it going on...

God/Christ grows in us, strengthens us and molds us when we are alone with Him.  I struggle with this, taking the time out of my "busy" day to spend time just with Him...NEWS FLASH I nor you have the entire human worlds sins resting on our shoulders or part of our responsibility...He did and still carries them for us today.  How am I to work for Him (Ecclesiastes 9:10, 1 Corinthians 10:31) if I have not spent time with Him, let Him guide my decisions and paths.

Spending time with God/Christ is silent prayer will provide the comfort, ease and rejuvenation of that obtain during our nightly sleep...so tonight, not sweet dreams, but Sweet Conversation and Silence...

Lecrae - Background ft C-lite - Rehab

Lecrae's music just brings me back to peaceful times, true reliance on God...life does not happen on mission trips...it happens every day...let the feelings of mission trips, volunteering, and pure consumption of Christ take control of you daily.

Moving Foward...

Love is not a constant feeling, Love is a choice to be committed...God is Love, although sometimes we may feel He is not making life altering decisions for us, that does not mean His love is not ALWAYS around us.  How do you become confident in that presence?  How do you feel at ease just drinking a cup of coffee with Him or simply paying bills with His support?  God did not take a risk for us with Jesus, however He did make a commitment to never give us more than we can handle and  commitment to always push us beyond the point that only humans can understand...I praise the Lord today for His Love, His strength, and His wisdom that he continually reveals to me...

He loves from Himself 'according to His own purpose' (2 Tim 1:9) 

I (we) love Him, because He first loved us' (1 John 4:19). God did not love us because we loved Him, but He loved us before we had a particle of love for Him.

To Know You...

It started in college...a feeling of not doing enough, of not following close enough, of being scared of just forgetting what others perceive to be right and wrong, and to just focus on what God says is right and wrong.  Lately I have been struggling with this...today I am just taking a step back to remind myself that knowing God and living each day with Him in the center of my thoughts and actions is enough!!

Quiet reflection today...

Thinking about decisions...

Every day I am plugged into making numerous tiny decisions, sometimes with the potential to be life changing, others just simply a decision. Attending church today made me think about the "little" decisions I make daily...do I eat fruit for breakfast or cereal?  Should I drive the extra block to get a penny cheaper gas? Should I wear my pink shirt or my green shirt today?  I calculate them all...am I making "good" decisions though or "God" decisions...I hope for the latter.


Christians sometimes fail to realize (myself included) is that, when you are serving Christ and staying in-touch with Him through prayer, then almost ANY decision you will make will be a good one.  Consider what He tells us in Philippians...

 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philip 4.6-7

Continue (or start) asking for His help with everything, take everything to Him in prayer, and ask Him for anything & everything that you desire.  The worst He will probably say is "no." And even in those moments aren't we practicing dependence and complete obedience to His will and not our own.

And for this...I am truly thankful!

Starting Today...

Starting today...
    ...God will be the source of my confidence...the Lord will guide you daily, all you need to do is ask. Throughout my life until now I have relied on God with half of my heart, time, and effort, however today is different. Today I am choosing to FOLLOW where His plans may take me, not where mine my stray.

Remember the interaction between Peter and Jesus, when Jesus predicts Peter's denial...
    "Peter asks, "Lord, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you."
     Then Jesus answered, "Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!""  ~John 13:37-38

I find that most often I am similar to Peter...prays declaring I will follow God's plan and live the life He has planned out for me, but God knows my flaws/weaknesses/sins.  He has seen me fail.  It is now, as I build a relationship these failures started to become more apparent to me as well. Starting today, my own control, plans, and goals will become His...through prayer, patience and love I hope to release my addiction to denial of God's plans and to gain confidence in His plan and His time.